Another setback

We went back in to have another ultrasound at 12 weeks and sadly there was no heartbeat.

We had another surgery shortly thereafter. This was the most crushing loss so far...since we thought we had gotten to the "safe" zone.

We'll try again...but I am going to need time.

Hopefully I can get my health back in order for the best chance for having  child.

Lentil Update - Anivair Edition

What can I say to follow that picture?  I wish there was video.  It was easily the best flicker of light I've ever seen.  Here's a video that has a brief sight of a similar flicker.

It's brief here and it was a much longer look in ours, but it was still pretty amazing.  I get why people are inclined to call this a miracle.  It is easily one of the best things nature does. Literally you have sex (a thing that, let's face it, you're going to do anyway) and somehow THAT excellent act makes a baby. it blows my mind to think about it.

So this is real.  Am i still afraid we'll lose it?  Yes, but not as much.  The doctor is very hopeful and thinks we should be too and I'm doing my very best to focus on that.  I feel like this time everything is right.

So good news.  Now, as the wife said, to stay paleo and keep food in her.

One of the most common theories about morning sickness is that it is an evolutionary choice made to keep parasites out of a new fetus.  You hurl meat because meat, when we were coming up human, was the most likely thing to cause you problems (as a lot of it was found laying around on the ground).   Less of a problem now, but nobody told your body.  So a focus on vegetables is probably going to help,  here. It also helps with a lot of less pleasant pregnancy symptoms (because ... you know ... water and fiber ... I'm not going to spell it out for you).

Things are hopeful, happy, and looking forward here.  I'm interviewing pediatricians already.  I give no quarter (and finding one that is okay with our diet and lifestyle choice will be a trick).  I'll keep you all updated.

Lentil Update - Magpie Edition

We had our first ultrasound (u/s from here on out) on June 28th. I was supposed to be around 7 weeks. I was nervous, and it was evident Anivair was as well. Even the doc said he didn't want to wait while he was explaining the possibilities. After a few quiet minutes, he found what was, to me, another dark splotch. I was extremely nervous while he looked around more at the little lentil-sized smudge.

And then, he stopped...and pointed us to the most glorious flicker of light I've ever seen. The heartbeat was not able to be heard yet, but there it was, flickering on as Anivair and I had quite a rush of emotions.

There is the first picture of our little guy or gal. It's still really hard to believe this is a real thing. And likely will be until we can actually make out an actual baby, but everytime I worry it's not real, I just think of that little fluttery heartbeat an the look on Anivair's face when we saw it.

I think it's safe to get excited now!!!

Our little one is due somewhere around Valentine's Day!!!

Now, to try and stay paleo and keep foods down!!!

Here We Go Again: Anivair Edition

Well, this is going to be a rough time around.

The fact is that we've had a lot of complications before now and no matter how this goes, we'll have the shadow of that hanging over us in a bad way.  That will make it hard to be all positive vibes and good dreams.  Yes, I hope it goes well, but there's also a lot of trepidation, and there's really nothing to be done about it.

People keep saying, "Think positive," and "I'll all be fine, you just have to stop stressing out," and most of that is crap.  My stress level and positive thinking won't really help if things go poorly.  I thought positively last time, too.  And it's not as if I'm sitting in the corner secretly hoping for bad news.  But saying that you should just not think about it is sort of a waste of time and energy.  It's not going to happen.

Have you ever gone up to speak before a large crowd and told yourself, "it'll be fine, don't be nervous!"  Did your nerves magically vanish?  of course not.  Maybe they got a little lesser, but probably they stayed about the same till you were right in there in the mix.   That's how nerves work.

It doesn't help that the Magpie is on progesterone which has a few side effects.  It makes the boobs bigger (heyo) but the most pronounced side effects are things like nausea and constipation.  Great.  Thanks, progesterone. This has better work, or me and progesterone are going to have a little chat outside.

Here we go again - Magpie Edition

So, after a bajillion bloodtests, doctor visits and the like, I was diagnosed with luteal phase defect. For those unfamiliar, this link will give you the quick and dirty details on what this means.

It can be a common reason for miscarriage, but, can be easily treated with inexpensive meds like clomid. Finding a diagnosis was a little scary, but really, reasurring. In the long run, having a diagnosis that explains my problems/symptoms and is easily treatable really gives me hope for future healthy pregnancies.

Setback: The Dr's office said we could resume trying before they found that diagnosis. And of course, we got pregnant before we could start any of the treatments.

This means that we had to start crazy progesterone suppliments and blood draws every 48 hours for HCG levels. We've been told it's possible to have a full term-healthy baby. But the odds are a bit against us here. It's a tricky situation, I'm being hit with serious morning sickness and fatigue as well as other signs of a strong pregnancy, but the possibility of loss is sort of a pink elephant threatening to trample us. It's hard to want to be logical and prepare yourself for the worst, but still be hopeful that things will work this time. It's a strange teeter-totter of emotions and I'm trying to keep this secret, like last time, intent to not really talk about it with folk until we get difinitive news.

I think I won't feel relaxed until I hear a heartbeat...but I'm trying to look up.

I'm taking pre-natals, B6 and progesterone suppliments. I have also been very good with my diet, sticking mostly to paleo (and lost 6 lbs in the last week) and drinking LOTS of water.

Here's to good fortune this time around!!

Update from Druidlandia - Magpie Edition

So, it's been a while since we've posted to this blog. Frankly, we have our own individual blogs where we are most loquacious. But I wanted to stop by here and update what will be future readers about where we've been after all the crazy trying times of the last few months.

First of all, I, one magpie of the first order decided to do full paleo eating for a full week. No cheats, no sodas, just 100% paleo all week.

Frankly, aside from getting used to plain coffee and water, it wasn't so bad. In fact, it was so easy, I extended my experiment to two weeks. Really, it's not as bad or as difficult as I thought. It helps that I have a husband that is not only a great cook, but also extremely supportive of my foray into pure paleo. I ate a lot of eggs and bacon and broccoli, because we bought them in bulk at Costco and I am able to make them fast. But all in all, I really wanted for almost nothing. (My addiction to caffeinated beverages aside.)

I felt great and had a new found appreciation for water, a particular dietary need of which I really never got enough. I added a vast array of new veggies to my "I didn't know I liked it" list.

All in all it helped me realize just how used to sweetened and processed foods I still was and how much I could really taste the food I was eating. It helped make food more about delicious fuel than something I thought about constantly.

Also, I got back into training. We went to a movenat style meetup locally and I realized how much I loved it all over again. It's been cold, so we have been working out and lifting weights in our new basement gym. I'm slowly improving, as always, I'd love to lose weight and get my body as free of fat as possible for possible follow up tries at babymaking, so we'll see.

Onto that topic, Anivair and I decided to contact a Reproductive Specialist to discuss options for fertility. Ideally, we'd love to just give it another go naturally, but after two losses, I felt that I would not be happy trying again until we checked that we did not have any abnormalities that might make for another loss. I personally don't love the idea of all this intervention, but, it came down to tests. If I didn't do the tests and we had another loss, I really feel like I would have felt worse, knowing I didn't look into every possibility I could.

We have decided that if we are not able to have children naturally, then we are not interested in IVF. We decided that we didn't want to spend all our money trying to make a baby if there were others around the world that needed a loving home. I didn't think IVF was worth the money or the potential heartbreak if it didn't work out. We are looking into taking adoption classes as soon as possible, which really makes me happy. Frankly, I don't care how I become a mom, just that I know I'm meant to be one!

Also, over the course of the last month, both Anivair and I have completed our ADF dedicant path study program. Joe just got his approval today in fact! This is really exciting for both of us, as it represents years of study and work thinking about our faith and we're really proud and excited to see what lies next in store for study and our faith! Yay!

Whew, that was a long entry, I hope that it was mildly entertaining!!

Simple, fast meals - Anivair Edition

The Magpie makes the fine point often that eating healthy paleo food doesn't have to be expensive or complicated. I'm about to throw at you the easiest and cheapest paleo lunch I've ever had.

The Giant eagle by me sells a bag of Eggland's Best hard boiled eggs for 2.39. For real. Full cooked hard boiled eggs. I know what you're thinking. Tons of preservatives. Not really. it's eggs, some citric acid, and some sodium benzoate for preserving the goodness. Sodium benzoate isn't that offensive, but if the idea of it bugs you (as it does me a bit) then just rinse off the eggs. The stuff mostly stays in the liquid and doesn't get into the egg.

Here's what I did. I took the eggs out and rinsed and dried them. I did the same to the bag. then I put them back in the bag, added a few drops of olive oil (likely 9 cents worth) a drop of vinegar (probably another 5 cents) and some salt and pepper (if you're fancy, you can add seasoned salt as long as you get the kind without sugar).

Boom. 2.50 = 6 eggs worth of lunch. if you're a big guy like me, eat all 6. If you're not, eat 3. Easy, cheap, fast.

It is worth noting here that my wife's lunch looks way more delicious than mine.

Simple, fast meals - Magpie Edition

Eating Paleo doesn't have to be hard. It doesn't have to be boring and it doesn't have to be expensive.

I have written several articles about paleo can be done on a budget. But I'm going to make this entry quick and to the point, like lunch today was.

Baconfat: Leftover from cooking bacon.

All beef hot dogs: $7 (pack of eight) - 2 - $1.76

Spinach lettuce: $4 (1lb bulk box) - Handful - $.75

Bag of Cranberries: $3 - 1/8 cup - $.25

Spicy Sweet Mustard: $3 - 2 tablespoons - $.15

Total lunch cost: $2.91

(Total Deliciousness = Awesome)

I had a huge knee-jerk reaction to buying $7 all beef hotdogs. But when I do a break down of price, it's not so expensive as I thought and I got quality food with all natural ingredients.

And, all told this meal took me three minutes to cook.

Warm baconfat and fry all beef hotdogs, grab spinach and cranberries. Spoon some melted baconfat over the spinach, top with spicy mustard. Done.

Delicious, healthy paleo meal, in no time flat!

Months and frustration: Anivair Edition

The Magpie already said all this well, as she does, but let me speak a bit on some manly details.

a) As a husband, i'm glad she's publishing this. I think it's important for people to see.

b) As a husband, in this situation, there is only so much you can do. And if it happens to you, you will hate it. You'll gt really frustrated about not being able to do anything more proactive than fetching ice chips and you'll be mad that you went to school to be a make up artist and then settled on being a computer nerd and part time trainer instead of going to medical school so that you could prepare for this eventuality. (I can only imagine I will feel this way about possible career choices every time we have a crisis for the rest of my life).

c) I think the important thing to realize here is that getting ice chips and holding hands and cracking jokes DOES help. As much as you can. Support is the best thing you can give.

The Nerd trainer parts of me have been sad lately watching the wife's diet slide around (and mine, to be fair). At times like that, it helps to remember that sometimes you just need to eat some cake to get over something. Is that a healthy coping mechanics that promotes a good relationship with food? No. But get over it.

The Druid parts of me sometimes get sad when one or both of us has faith troubles and doesn't want to go to Grove meetings and events. But as a great Druid once said, you fake it till it's true. You do the ritual, you go to the meetings, and you offer at your altar because it's when you don't feel the drive to engage in your faith that you need it the most.

I am grateful to a few folks from our grove who have been really great and helpful and offered support at every turn. they came over and did a healing ritual and if nothing else that really helped the Magpie get past some of this. Healing of the spirit, much like healing of the body, is not fast. And it happens at a different rate for everyone. We just need to accept that it will come in it's time.

Months and frustration

I have decided to publish this blog. We had originally wanted to wait until we were through the first trimester of a healthy pregnancy, but I have decided that there is positive that can come out of posting about a bit of emotional and physical setbacks.

So, to update, we were getting life back to normal and diets back in shape. Then, on December 10th, we were struck by a drunk driver. I hurt my knee, but it seemed things were going to be alright, even if we were sore and not able to workout like we wanted to.

On the 23rd, I was rushed into the ER. Apparently I had been pregnant. For whatever reason, be it stress from the accident or another reason that the doctors were unable to determine, I lost the second baby in three months. It was, even harder for me the second time. I was out a car, out the money for the hospital bills and the like. It was extremely crushing and I backslid on my diet and on many things needed to make a happy druid wife.

But, as the new year turned over, I struggled and decided that wreck, loss, layoffs wouldn't make me fret. I needed to keep focused and wanted to put myself back on track.

I got back down to my pre-pregnancy weight and got back into eating paleo. I was feeling better

But, I found that there were so few resources on miscarriage. I found dozens of discussions online, but none of it was helpful. My doctor didn't want to see me in the office, for reasons the nurse said were to "help me not feel depressed to keep seeing all the pregnant women there". So, I was stuck with phone calls that would be answered days later, if at all, telling me I was "normal". And so I sat at home with questions, worries, fears and no place to turn.

Which is what inspired me to start doing research and open, frank discussion on the topic of fertility and loss. At least it seems in America that so many families go through this and yet there is so little discussed on the topic. It seems like there is a fear, a discomfort with discussing pregnancy loss and fertility problems. It is, a very personal situation and everyone will deal with it in their own way, but I think it is a disservice to women everywhere to not have a place to discuss their concerns, sadness and recovery.

Hopefully, this will be a place where I can post information and helpful links about being healthy, getting information about fertility, and how to move back into good health after loss. And hopefully a place where people can share their stories.