My daughter is one month and four days old now. She's growing and is a whopping two pounds and around eight ounces.
We went to a meeting for NICU parents Thursday and I couldn't help think about all the things my husband and I think about that most full term parents might take for granted.
As I said earlier to the group, my pregnancy which ended three and a half months early, felt like it was so panicked and rushed I didn't get to enjoy it. But now that she's here, it seems like the act of becoming a mother has been drug impossibly slowly. Things that are glossed over in the first hours of a baby's life experience have been stretched out over the course of weeks for us.
So I thought I'd give an idea of what little things make our NICU experience different and still special for us.
As an example, I know that most parents either never take notice or lose track very early on how many times they've held their child. Not so much for me. I wasn't able to hold our daughter until she was ten hours old. It was emotional, scary and wonderful to have her laid on my chest for the first time after a very long day and amid a sea of preemie worries.
I know that as of today, I have held my daughter thirteen times since she was born. The first two times was only for a half an hour each, the others were an hour. So since she was born a month and four days ago, I've held her for a total of twelve hours.
And last night was the first time I held her swaddled in my arms instead of kangaroo'ed at my chest.
For the first time I could hold her and see her face while I did. It was amazing!
Not many parents can tell how many hours they've held their child, I an truly grateful each time I have her in my arms.
The poo's the thing:
Never in my life have I practically begged to change a diaper! And yet on December 26th, twenty days after she was born, I jumped out of my chair when the nurse offered to let me change my daughter's diaper. And again, on January 4th. For me, being able to change my daughter's diaper even twice, is a huge deal for me. I can't imagine parents scrambling to get a chance to change a messy diaper, but there I was.
Turn around bright eyes:
Our baby was so early, her eyelids were still fused shut. So December 14th, when we went into the NICU and saw her little dark eyes for the first time, it was such a wonderfully sweet surprise. To see our little girl finally open those gorgeous peepers was a milestone that I think most term parents take for granted.
Itsy bitsy teeny weenie yellow polka dot onesie:
With all the monitors, IV's and machines attached to our little girl, she has spent most of her time wearing a diaper and a hat so they can attach a CPAP to her. As a new parent, you want to buy all kinds of little things for your baby to wear. Socks, onesies, little bonnets; all the cute tiny outfits that you see in the stores. But for preemies and even more so micro-preemies, there's a whole lot of nothing to fit these most tiny of newborns.
On January 4th, two days shy of her one month birthday, we showed up to the NICU to a sweet surprise. Our little girl was wearing (mostly swimming in) a preemie onesie! It was gray and said "My daddy makes me smile".
To see our little girl wearing something even if it was too big for her was so reassuring. Not only was it a small step towards normalcy, but it showed us that the staff was comfortable enough with her progress that they felt they didn't need to have immediate and urgent access to her veins and was well enough to not need to watch her lungs to see her status.
Little moments making it big:
All of these things seem so very small and insignificant for most new families. But for us and likely other NICU parents, they are huge milestones and signs that each day our child is growing and getting stronger.
These little things remind us we're making progress and are one more day closer to her coming home with us.
Much love to you all.
