Diary of a NICU Mom- Day 13

There are moments that I catch myself in a mirror, or forget for a moment that thirteen days ago I delivered our daughter.

Most moms of a thirteen day old are elbows deep in diapers, spit up rags and wailing newborns. For me, and most NICU moms I'd imagine, the only real daily reminder that I am actually a mother is pumping. Every two to three hours, I get up from my spot on the couch with the dog and desperately try to make food for the Bean.

Today, they took out the tube in her lung that had been sucking out air trapped in her chest. They're contemplating putting her back on the CPAP machine. The idea that her lungs might not be strong enough yet scares me, but I'm glad the painful chest tube is out.

I think people are curious, if not too polite to ask what a day is like for me. Mostly, it looks like this:

* 1, 3, 5 and 7 AM I get up to my alarm in a sleeping and quiet house to pump.
* 9 AM I pump, get a call from Anivair letting me know about the morning NICU rounds.Then I try to update family on the Bean's progress, On good days, this is a fun job. On bad days, its awful,
* Around 10 AM I force-feed myself breakfast as I am usually too upset to eat. Followed by Insurance forms, bill paying and other paperwork for either my FMLA or the Bean's hospital stay.
* 11 AM, Shower and try to get up and move around a bit. (Usually just end up refilling water and going back to the couch to watch Cake Boss or Little Couple on Netflix.)
* Noon, I realize I've heard Buddy Velastro say "Hoboken baby" about fifteen times and feel guilty so I call the NICU for lunchtime updates. Then I call Anivair to update him and follow up with the grandmas.
* Around then I pump again and do a chore, dishes, laundry, or something to help me feel productive.
* About 3PM, I am exhausted. So I sit back on the couch And watch more Netflix while checking Facebook and e-mails.
* 4PM Fall asleep on the couch.
* Wake up when Anivair gets home.
* 5-6 PM Head to hospital to see the Bean. Feel like a mom for the first time of the day, Stare at tiny girl and huge scary monitors. Pray over her before we leave
* 7ish Head home before I have a complete breakdown.
* Try to eat dinner. If she had a good day and our visit wasn't too scary, dinner is much easier to accomplish.
* Spend the rest of the night broken up in two to three hour increments between pumping, Occasionally watching a movie with Anivair.
* Start all over again.

Not having her here definitely makes my days feel more empty.

I pray all day, everyday that she gets stronger and healthier so she can come home soon. Our family just doesn't feel whole yet. I just pray she gets out of these woods and can thrive,

~ Magpie

Diary of a NICU Mom - Nine days in.

The bean was born 1 lb 7.8 ounces and 12 inches long. lt took over an hour before we were able to see her. When we did, it was quite a shock. Our little, precious bean was bright red with jaundice and preemie bilirubin. And to say she was tiny is an understatement.

The first night, l got to kangaroo hold her. lt was amazing to hold our tiny girl to my chest and feel her warmth and movement.

It was scary, to be sure, but when her O2 and heartrate evened out, it felt like magic.

Since then, we've sat by held her, found out her lung collapsed, she got an infection and has fought through long days and nights just to survive. It has been the most terrifying few days of my whole life.

But also, when she is doing well my heart starts to beat again. She opened her eyes for the first time yesterday. It was beautiful and made me so indescribably happy.

My continued prayers go out to our little bean and may she heal and rest.

Born amid the snows

The bean was born on December 6th at 5:25.  She's very small and very perfect and still in the NICU, of course.  More to come. She brought a snowstorm with her, which is appropriate because her mother and I were both born in one.  Praise to the kindred (and also to the doctors and nurses and her mother while i'm at it).  it was magical, for sure.

It begins

Contractions started at around midnight.  I got a call to come in at 2:30 in the morning.  Strangest best worst best call of my life.  We're in labor and delivery.  Wish us luck.

It's the little things

So being in the hospital is bad, obviously.  It's hard and awkward.  When you're P3 (pregnant, pagan, paleo) it's a bit harder.  Here's some snippets.

• No, that is not weed, those are herbs for my wife's travel altar. 
• I guess if you want to sniff the sacred water you can. 
• Gluten free dinner:  corn, rice, beans.  Wow. 
• Ahh ... so .... bacon and eggs again, huh?
• Getting up and drawing Ur or Huath as my morning runes basically ruins my whole day now. 
• Every morning I get into the car where I see a cute little boar statue which I keep in there to protect me while I drive.  And then I say a nice prayer asking it to watch over the Magpie and the Bean instead. 
• Friends and family will ask your permission before praying for you.  I think this is really strange.