There are moments that I catch myself in a mirror, or forget for a moment that thirteen days ago I delivered our daughter.
Most moms of a thirteen day old are elbows deep in diapers, spit up rags and wailing newborns. For me, and most NICU moms I'd imagine, the only real daily reminder that I am actually a mother is pumping. Every two to three hours, I get up from my spot on the couch with the dog and desperately try to make food for the Bean.
Today, they took out the tube in her lung that had been sucking out air trapped in her chest. They're contemplating putting her back on the CPAP machine. The idea that her lungs might not be strong enough yet scares me, but I'm glad the painful chest tube is out.
I think people are curious, if not too polite to ask what a day is like for me. Mostly, it looks like this:
* 1, 3, 5 and 7 AM I get up to my alarm in a sleeping and quiet house to pump.
* 9 AM I pump, get a call from Anivair letting me know about the morning NICU rounds.Then I try to update family on the Bean's progress, On good days, this is a fun job. On bad days, its awful,
* Around 10 AM I force-feed myself breakfast as I am usually too upset to eat. Followed by Insurance forms, bill paying and other paperwork for either my FMLA or the Bean's hospital stay.
* 11 AM, Shower and try to get up and move around a bit. (Usually just end up refilling water and going back to the couch to watch Cake Boss or Little Couple on Netflix.)
* Noon, I realize I've heard Buddy Velastro say "Hoboken baby" about fifteen times and feel guilty so I call the NICU for lunchtime updates. Then I call Anivair to update him and follow up with the grandmas.
* Around then I pump again and do a chore, dishes, laundry, or something to help me feel productive.
* About 3PM, I am exhausted. So I sit back on the couch And watch more Netflix while checking Facebook and e-mails.
* 4PM Fall asleep on the couch.
* Wake up when Anivair gets home.
* 5-6 PM Head to hospital to see the Bean. Feel like a mom for the first time of the day, Stare at tiny girl and huge scary monitors. Pray over her before we leave
* 7ish Head home before I have a complete breakdown.
* Try to eat dinner. If she had a good day and our visit wasn't too scary, dinner is much easier to accomplish.
* Spend the rest of the night broken up in two to three hour increments between pumping, Occasionally watching a movie with Anivair.
* Start all over again.
* 9 AM I pump, get a call from Anivair letting me know about the morning NICU rounds.Then I try to update family on the Bean's progress, On good days, this is a fun job. On bad days, its awful,
* Around 10 AM I force-feed myself breakfast as I am usually too upset to eat. Followed by Insurance forms, bill paying and other paperwork for either my FMLA or the Bean's hospital stay.
* 11 AM, Shower and try to get up and move around a bit. (Usually just end up refilling water and going back to the couch to watch Cake Boss or Little Couple on Netflix.)
* Noon, I realize I've heard Buddy Velastro say "Hoboken baby" about fifteen times and feel guilty so I call the NICU for lunchtime updates. Then I call Anivair to update him and follow up with the grandmas.
* Around then I pump again and do a chore, dishes, laundry, or something to help me feel productive.
* About 3PM, I am exhausted. So I sit back on the couch And watch more Netflix while checking Facebook and e-mails.
* 4PM Fall asleep on the couch.
* Wake up when Anivair gets home.
* 5-6 PM Head to hospital to see the Bean. Feel like a mom for the first time of the day, Stare at tiny girl and huge scary monitors. Pray over her before we leave
* 7ish Head home before I have a complete breakdown.
* Try to eat dinner. If she had a good day and our visit wasn't too scary, dinner is much easier to accomplish.
* Spend the rest of the night broken up in two to three hour increments between pumping, Occasionally watching a movie with Anivair.
* Start all over again.
Not having her here definitely makes my days feel more empty.
I pray all day, everyday that she gets stronger and healthier so she can come home soon. Our family just doesn't feel whole yet. I just pray she gets out of these woods and can thrive,
~ Magpie
Traci,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. I hold Cora Beith in my prayers daily. You will be elbow deep in dirty diapers and hearing her cry out soon enough - but you will take a extra care in your Motherly duties and a pleasure that you have brought Cora Beith (aka the Bean) into this world despite what obstacles have been in your path.
Stronger and Healthier indeed!
Blessings to you and to Cora Beith,
Michael Dorn aka Thorne
Thank you as well forsharing. You and Da and the Bean are in my thoughts and prayers everyday. I wont pretend I can adequately understand what you must be going through, but I do want you to know there are many souls out here actively praying for the best possible outcome. You are on every prayer network I am aware of. Let me know what other things I might be able to do to lighten your load so you can focus on this most important thing. Bless the Mother , Bless the Da, bless the Wee Bairn!
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