Diary of a NICU Mom- Day 13

There are moments that I catch myself in a mirror, or forget for a moment that thirteen days ago I delivered our daughter.

Most moms of a thirteen day old are elbows deep in diapers, spit up rags and wailing newborns. For me, and most NICU moms I'd imagine, the only real daily reminder that I am actually a mother is pumping. Every two to three hours, I get up from my spot on the couch with the dog and desperately try to make food for the Bean.

Today, they took out the tube in her lung that had been sucking out air trapped in her chest. They're contemplating putting her back on the CPAP machine. The idea that her lungs might not be strong enough yet scares me, but I'm glad the painful chest tube is out.

I think people are curious, if not too polite to ask what a day is like for me. Mostly, it looks like this:

* 1, 3, 5 and 7 AM I get up to my alarm in a sleeping and quiet house to pump.
* 9 AM I pump, get a call from Anivair letting me know about the morning NICU rounds.Then I try to update family on the Bean's progress, On good days, this is a fun job. On bad days, its awful,
* Around 10 AM I force-feed myself breakfast as I am usually too upset to eat. Followed by Insurance forms, bill paying and other paperwork for either my FMLA or the Bean's hospital stay.
* 11 AM, Shower and try to get up and move around a bit. (Usually just end up refilling water and going back to the couch to watch Cake Boss or Little Couple on Netflix.)
* Noon, I realize I've heard Buddy Velastro say "Hoboken baby" about fifteen times and feel guilty so I call the NICU for lunchtime updates. Then I call Anivair to update him and follow up with the grandmas.
* Around then I pump again and do a chore, dishes, laundry, or something to help me feel productive.
* About 3PM, I am exhausted. So I sit back on the couch And watch more Netflix while checking Facebook and e-mails.
* 4PM Fall asleep on the couch.
* Wake up when Anivair gets home.
* 5-6 PM Head to hospital to see the Bean. Feel like a mom for the first time of the day, Stare at tiny girl and huge scary monitors. Pray over her before we leave
* 7ish Head home before I have a complete breakdown.
* Try to eat dinner. If she had a good day and our visit wasn't too scary, dinner is much easier to accomplish.
* Spend the rest of the night broken up in two to three hour increments between pumping, Occasionally watching a movie with Anivair.
* Start all over again.

Not having her here definitely makes my days feel more empty.

I pray all day, everyday that she gets stronger and healthier so she can come home soon. Our family just doesn't feel whole yet. I just pray she gets out of these woods and can thrive,

~ Magpie

Diary of a NICU Mom - Nine days in.

The bean was born 1 lb 7.8 ounces and 12 inches long. lt took over an hour before we were able to see her. When we did, it was quite a shock. Our little, precious bean was bright red with jaundice and preemie bilirubin. And to say she was tiny is an understatement.

The first night, l got to kangaroo hold her. lt was amazing to hold our tiny girl to my chest and feel her warmth and movement.

It was scary, to be sure, but when her O2 and heartrate evened out, it felt like magic.

Since then, we've sat by held her, found out her lung collapsed, she got an infection and has fought through long days and nights just to survive. It has been the most terrifying few days of my whole life.

But also, when she is doing well my heart starts to beat again. She opened her eyes for the first time yesterday. It was beautiful and made me so indescribably happy.

My continued prayers go out to our little bean and may she heal and rest.

Born amid the snows

The bean was born on December 6th at 5:25.  She's very small and very perfect and still in the NICU, of course.  More to come. She brought a snowstorm with her, which is appropriate because her mother and I were both born in one.  Praise to the kindred (and also to the doctors and nurses and her mother while i'm at it).  it was magical, for sure.

It begins

Contractions started at around midnight.  I got a call to come in at 2:30 in the morning.  Strangest best worst best call of my life.  We're in labor and delivery.  Wish us luck.

It's the little things

So being in the hospital is bad, obviously.  It's hard and awkward.  When you're P3 (pregnant, pagan, paleo) it's a bit harder.  Here's some snippets.

• No, that is not weed, those are herbs for my wife's travel altar. 
• I guess if you want to sniff the sacred water you can. 
• Gluten free dinner:  corn, rice, beans.  Wow. 
• Ahh ... so .... bacon and eggs again, huh?
• Getting up and drawing Ur or Huath as my morning runes basically ruins my whole day now. 
• Every morning I get into the car where I see a cute little boar statue which I keep in there to protect me while I drive.  And then I say a nice prayer asking it to watch over the Magpie and the Bean instead. 
• Friends and family will ask your permission before praying for you.  I think this is really strange. 

A letter

Baby,

It's snowing, though I forget if I don't look.  Tonight we're in the hospital because your mother's water broke early and she's getting some rest in the hopes of keeping you in till you're stronger.  I'm sitting in a reclining leather chair reading, writing, and worrying.  Occasionally (about every few seconds) I'll cast a glance to the monitor showing m that your heart is still beating (it was around 160 when we came on.  Now that you're mostly sleeping it's siting at a nice even 140, but sometimes when you move it loses you and it goes down or up or vanished entirely, and I panic for just a moment .... don't tell your mommy.  It'll be our secret). 

I know we said we were eager to see you, but I promise, we can wait just a little bit longer till your lungs are strong and your brain is good and dense with neurons.

I know we said we wanted to kiss your little nose, but it doesn't have to be today.  We're not going anywhere, I promise.  take your time and grow into it.

I know that we said we couldn't wait to be your parents, but right now all we want is for you to live and grow up strong and healthy.

The best laid plans, right?  We had this great plan for a natural birth where your mother gets to move around a lot and experience her motherly instincts and give you the best delivery possible.  Now it's looking like there's probably going to be an operation and some time spent in the hospital. And it's okay.  They'll take good care of you and it will be okay. Just wait as long as you can, because sometimes you have to wait for the good stuff till you're ready.

Anyway, the night nurse just came in to change your mommy's IV bags, so I'm going to log off here, but I hope that you get some rest.  I pray that you grow strong.  I will do the best I can if you can do the best you can .  I'll see you soon ..... but not just yet.  Just a little while longer.

Ogham, vows, water

Today's ogham was Huath and nGetal.  I should have known. 

Huath is terror, and nGetal is to do with physicians.  Magpie's water broke at 3:15.  We were terrified.  Now we're in the hospital trying to keep her pregnant as long as possible. 

I made a vow to eat clean till the baby was born.  Yesterday I tasted some crap food at family Thanksgiving.  I don't know if I helped make this happen or not. 

I'll update soon. 

EDIT:  She's in the hospital right now.  The Doctors say that the goal is to keep the baby in there as long as possible, but most people this happens to go into labor within 24 hours, so our new goal is 24 hours.  My new goal is maybe more like an hour without freaking out.

I don't feel a lot less guilty and terrified, but the Magpie assures me that this is not my fault and that that's not how it works.  I wish I were as sure as she is. Maybe she's trying to make me feel better.

22 weeks and moving

The Magpie and I are at 22 weeks and things are still moving along.  Here's the video we forgot to show you:

How great is that?  That was at 12 weeks and things are still moving.

How has it been?  Well, it's been a struggle, of course.  The Magpie has suffered through what I will call the worst morning sickness I've ever seen in a human.  We had to go to the ER twice for fluids (throwing up 5 times in 2 hours is a bad thing).  But apart from that, we're still moving along well enough and despite all our fears and all our stress, the bean seems to be thriving.

Last night I felt a good solid kick (a lot of them) for the first time.  I won't lie, it was magic.  Literally.  I can still feel my hand tingle today.  I don't know how it works, but it's amazing.

I'm thinking about making a pregnancy book for dads, because there are no good ones that I've seen (at least none that I think really helped me).  Maybe some of you interneters have suggestions?

Last night we performed a small ritual giving thanks to the gods and goddesses again for where we are and we made a small vow to repay them by raising our child the best way we can.  I know, it's a small vow and it was a small rite, but it was nice.  In all the rush or baby making and cultivating and throwing up and doctor visits (where we track fresh tar all over their office ...whoops!) it seems like our faith is struggling to have a central place in our lives and that's not that great, so we're going to make an effort to bring it back.

Likewise, I'm making a serious effort to get my exercise routine back on track.  Often I'll think, "Well, I'll just work out at home.  It's faster."  And it it.  But I also do less work because I can do some chin ups and push up and call it a day, but at the gym I would add in a lot of other work (box jumps and heavy bag work at least).  At home it's easy to just wander upstairs and be done. Too easy.

Food has been clean.  I made a small vow to myself (and the universe) to eat clean till the bean is born and I'm sticking to it.

So that's all for now, kids.  We're still nervous and excited and registering and doing all the stuff you do at this phase, and I feel like we're on the right path.  I'm hopeful.

The Bean

So after a few months of medications prayer and some magic cheese, we tried again. And we found out about our new little Bean.

We are cautiously optimistic, but hoping for the best for this "Bean" as we're calling it.

Prayers are being said and hopes are high.